Wknd Box Office: Noah, Sabotage, Breathe In
By Debbie
Schlussel
It’s another Netflix weekend, since the new movies at theaters leave little to be desired.
* “Noah“: Check out my complete review column on this movie that is decidedly NOT “Noah,” and perverts and abominates the original Biblical story into some left-wing soap opera and science fiction and action film.
FOUR MARXES PLUS
* “Sabotage“: 66-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger is still trying to mount a comeback as an action hero. And he should just hang it up. So desperate to be a big star again, he’s taken to headlining torture porn and snuff films, which is all this movie is.
This extremely bloody, disgusting, pointless, messed-up waste of time is yet another piece of Hollywood garbage. The plot and story are preposterous. The movie features, from the very beginning, a topless lesbian sex scene, another sex scene, a few close up shots of piles of human feces surrounding a toilet, and lots of dismembered, bloody bodies. Plus there’s a body in a river of blood that flows out of a refrigerator. There are various shots of up close murders, including shootings to the head, as well as beheadings with a rudimentary knife. There is enough violence and murder to populate several snuff films.
The story isn’t believable either. Schwarzenegger heads an elite undercover team of DEA Agents. That’s interesting because he looks every day of his 66-plus years, and, in real life, DEA agents have a mandatory retirement age of 57 (56 if they were born after 1970). The DEA agents are corrupt and raid a mansion of drug dealers in order to steal ten million dollars, which the agents hide in a sewer. But when they come back for the money, it’s gone. The DEA agents are under investigation for the theft, and soon, the members of the corrupt DEA team are picked off one by one in disgusting, violent, bloody ways. Schwarzenegger and some crazy crack addicted woman agent are among those DEA agents left. The whodunnit is preposterous, as is the entire movie and its plot.
Skip this at all cost. (Plus why would you want to support a guy who pardons murderers and mocks the victims and their families? Why would you want to spend your money on a fan of late Nazi mass-murderer Kurt Waldheim? Schwarzenegger was his good friend and invited Waldheim to his wedding to Maria Shriver. Waldheim, who was on the Wehrmacht “honor list,” couldn’t come because he was on the no-fly list as he’d been identified as a major Nazi murderer. But Schwarzie lamented that he couldn’t come and praised him at the wedding, saying “I love him.”)
Arnold & Nazi Buddy Kurt Waldheim
FOUR MARXES PLUS
Watch the trailer . . .
* “Breathe In“: I feel I’ve seen this slow, boring, pointless, predictable movie a million times before. Fed up, bored, annoyed husband has affair with young chick and tears family apart. You’ve seen it, too. In this case, a long-married, middle-aged suburban New York couple, which includes Australian actor Guy Pearce (a good actor whom I usually like in movies), welcomes an English foreign exchange student (Felicity Jones) to their home. The couple have a daughter her age. Soon, the husband, who hates being a music teacher, wants to move back into New York City, seeks to play in the symphony, and feels like he is being henpecked by his wife, has an affair with the exchange student, and everyone finds out and is miserable. The end.
And you would pay to watch this why . . .?
TWO-AND-A-HALF MARXES
It’s another Netflix weekend, since the new movies at theaters leave little to be desired.
* “Noah“: Check out my complete review column on this movie that is decidedly NOT “Noah,” and perverts and abominates the original Biblical story into some left-wing soap opera and science fiction and action film.
FOUR MARXES PLUS
* “Sabotage“: 66-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger is still trying to mount a comeback as an action hero. And he should just hang it up. So desperate to be a big star again, he’s taken to headlining torture porn and snuff films, which is all this movie is.
This extremely bloody, disgusting, pointless, messed-up waste of time is yet another piece of Hollywood garbage. The plot and story are preposterous. The movie features, from the very beginning, a topless lesbian sex scene, another sex scene, a few close up shots of piles of human feces surrounding a toilet, and lots of dismembered, bloody bodies. Plus there’s a body in a river of blood that flows out of a refrigerator. There are various shots of up close murders, including shootings to the head, as well as beheadings with a rudimentary knife. There is enough violence and murder to populate several snuff films.
The story isn’t believable either. Schwarzenegger heads an elite undercover team of DEA Agents. That’s interesting because he looks every day of his 66-plus years, and, in real life, DEA agents have a mandatory retirement age of 57 (56 if they were born after 1970). The DEA agents are corrupt and raid a mansion of drug dealers in order to steal ten million dollars, which the agents hide in a sewer. But when they come back for the money, it’s gone. The DEA agents are under investigation for the theft, and soon, the members of the corrupt DEA team are picked off one by one in disgusting, violent, bloody ways. Schwarzenegger and some crazy crack addicted woman agent are among those DEA agents left. The whodunnit is preposterous, as is the entire movie and its plot.
Skip this at all cost. (Plus why would you want to support a guy who pardons murderers and mocks the victims and their families? Why would you want to spend your money on a fan of late Nazi mass-murderer Kurt Waldheim? Schwarzenegger was his good friend and invited Waldheim to his wedding to Maria Shriver. Waldheim, who was on the Wehrmacht “honor list,” couldn’t come because he was on the no-fly list as he’d been identified as a major Nazi murderer. But Schwarzie lamented that he couldn’t come and praised him at the wedding, saying “I love him.”)
FOUR MARXES PLUS
Watch the trailer . . .
* “Breathe In“: I feel I’ve seen this slow, boring, pointless, predictable movie a million times before. Fed up, bored, annoyed husband has affair with young chick and tears family apart. You’ve seen it, too. In this case, a long-married, middle-aged suburban New York couple, which includes Australian actor Guy Pearce (a good actor whom I usually like in movies), welcomes an English foreign exchange student (Felicity Jones) to their home. The couple have a daughter her age. Soon, the husband, who hates being a music teacher, wants to move back into New York City, seeks to play in the symphony, and feels like he is being henpecked by his wife, has an affair with the exchange student, and everyone finds out and is miserable. The end.
And you would pay to watch this why . . .?
TWO-AND-A-HALF MARXES
Noahcide: “Noah” Movie is More Like “Game of Thrones” Than Bible; Better Title: “Not Noah”
By Debbie
Schlussel
Hollywood committed Noahcide. They killed the Biblical story in favor of a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals*, soap opera, action film version of what bears little resemblance to the Bible version.
The new movie, “Noah,” in theaters today, would be better called a host of other things: “Game of Thrones Noah,” “The Noah-dashians,” “Dysfunctional Family Noah.” Or just plain, “NOT Noah.”
As a kid in a religious Jewish day school, I learned the Noah chapter of Genesis in its original Biblical Hebrew. And, so, I was confused when I screened this film earlier this week and saw something that directly contradicts what the Bible says in plain language about Noah and his family. Instead of G-d telling Noah to build an ark, take his sons and their wives, and enough pairs of animals to repopulate the world, I saw a genocidal, homicidal, action hero Noah (Russell Crowe) bent on destroying the human race and on a mission to murder his twin granddaughters whom his oldest son had with some random babymama Noah rescued as a child from a pillaged village, destroyed by non-vegetarians. He says “the Creator” wants all humans destroyed because they are bad, but not animals because only they are good. Huh?
Where the heck is this in the Bible? Nowhere.
I also watched various half love-scenes between Noah’s eldest son and the babymama and between Noah’s second son and some other chick whom Noah refuses to allow aboard the ark. Noah’s younger two sons are angry with him because they don’t have any women. But Noah tells them this is because G-d ordered him to destroy the human race and to murder any female grandchildren that are born. The younger two sons want, instead, to marry their two new twin nieces to continue the human race. Again, huh? The Bible makes clear that Noah’s three sons were married before (probably well before) the flood began and that they took their wives with them aboard the ark. And it makes clear that G-d did want the human race to continue with Noah’s descendants. Noah wasn’t a genocidal, homicidal, vegetarian maniac the way this movie claims he was or an action hero warrior on the order of “300.” In fact, the Bible says he was a righteous man who found favor in G-d’s eyes and who was, at the time, 500 years old.
The Bible says that G-d wanted to destroy most of humankind because they were evil and engaged in every bad thing imaginable. But, in this movie, the wicked are warriors who eat meat. Noah and his family are vegetarians who only eat plants. Noah tells his sons that the bad guys kill an animal and eat it because they don’t know that “their strength comes from the Creator.” Like I said, it’s the PETA Noah, not the real thing.
And that’s another problem with this movie. The name “G-d” or “Lord” is never once mentioned. It’s only “the Creator.” At first, I thought it was great that Noah recognizes a higher power, but the movie’s constant bizarre dream sequences of the snake and the apple and other stuff makes it soon appear that “the Creator” in this movie is like some sort of New Age solstice god. It’s weird.
And there’s Harry Potter stuff and science fiction, too, here. Methuselah, Noah’s grandfather (Anthony Hopkins), is some sort of wizard who can cast spells and do amazing magic. Huh #346,254. A giant plot point consists of science fiction-like, giant monsters made of stone and fire, who are fallen angels known as “the Watchers.” They protect Noah and his family and kill battling warriors opposed to Noah. Again, where is this in Genesis?
Also not in Genesis: Noah’s fight against a warrior nemesis who leads armored legions of men to fight against Noah in many action-packed sword fights and sequences. The nemesis sneaks onto the ark and plots with Noah’s middle son to murder Noah. Oh, and he tempts and gets Noah’s son to eat the forbidden cooked animal meat. Um, wasn’t the snake and the apple thing from Adam and Eve’s portion of the Bible? Just asking.
Since several scenes show Noah’s nemesis melting and burnishing metal into armor, axes, and swords, I was puzzled and asked a friend of mine if they had metal work at that time. My friend said he believed that Noah might have been in the Bronze Age. But, then, I asked my friend if Noah took place in the Skinny Jeans Age because his wife (Jennifer Connelly) wears some really cool skinny jeans that look like she just bought ‘em from H&M or Forever 21. And I want a pair.
That’s the thing with this Non-Noah version of “Noah.” There’s nothing right about it. It looks like two uneducated Jews In Name Only–Darren Aronofsky and Ari Handel, who wrote this abominable crap–just slapped together a bunch of genres (action warrior, soap opera, science fiction) they see in modern films with the sexy costumes to match.
But the movie has almost absolutely no resemblance to the Noah you and I read in Genesis. On top of that, at nearly 2.5 hours long, it’s slow and boring. The real Noah story is a beautiful one that doesn’t need Hollywood “adornment”–and it would have been half as long.
Time for Aronofsky and Handel to go back to Hebrew school. They failed miserably.
“Noah” is NOT Noah.
* NOTE: On this site, we call PETA, “PUTAh” (People for the Unethical Treatment of Animals and humans) because we believe in truth in advertising.
FOUR MARXES PLUS
Hollywood committed Noahcide. They killed the Biblical story in favor of a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals*, soap opera, action film version of what bears little resemblance to the Bible version.
The new movie, “Noah,” in theaters today, would be better called a host of other things: “Game of Thrones Noah,” “The Noah-dashians,” “Dysfunctional Family Noah.” Or just plain, “NOT Noah.”
As a kid in a religious Jewish day school, I learned the Noah chapter of Genesis in its original Biblical Hebrew. And, so, I was confused when I screened this film earlier this week and saw something that directly contradicts what the Bible says in plain language about Noah and his family. Instead of G-d telling Noah to build an ark, take his sons and their wives, and enough pairs of animals to repopulate the world, I saw a genocidal, homicidal, action hero Noah (Russell Crowe) bent on destroying the human race and on a mission to murder his twin granddaughters whom his oldest son had with some random babymama Noah rescued as a child from a pillaged village, destroyed by non-vegetarians. He says “the Creator” wants all humans destroyed because they are bad, but not animals because only they are good. Huh?
Where the heck is this in the Bible? Nowhere.
I also watched various half love-scenes between Noah’s eldest son and the babymama and between Noah’s second son and some other chick whom Noah refuses to allow aboard the ark. Noah’s younger two sons are angry with him because they don’t have any women. But Noah tells them this is because G-d ordered him to destroy the human race and to murder any female grandchildren that are born. The younger two sons want, instead, to marry their two new twin nieces to continue the human race. Again, huh? The Bible makes clear that Noah’s three sons were married before (probably well before) the flood began and that they took their wives with them aboard the ark. And it makes clear that G-d did want the human race to continue with Noah’s descendants. Noah wasn’t a genocidal, homicidal, vegetarian maniac the way this movie claims he was or an action hero warrior on the order of “300.” In fact, the Bible says he was a righteous man who found favor in G-d’s eyes and who was, at the time, 500 years old.
The Bible says that G-d wanted to destroy most of humankind because they were evil and engaged in every bad thing imaginable. But, in this movie, the wicked are warriors who eat meat. Noah and his family are vegetarians who only eat plants. Noah tells his sons that the bad guys kill an animal and eat it because they don’t know that “their strength comes from the Creator.” Like I said, it’s the PETA Noah, not the real thing.
And that’s another problem with this movie. The name “G-d” or “Lord” is never once mentioned. It’s only “the Creator.” At first, I thought it was great that Noah recognizes a higher power, but the movie’s constant bizarre dream sequences of the snake and the apple and other stuff makes it soon appear that “the Creator” in this movie is like some sort of New Age solstice god. It’s weird.
And there’s Harry Potter stuff and science fiction, too, here. Methuselah, Noah’s grandfather (Anthony Hopkins), is some sort of wizard who can cast spells and do amazing magic. Huh #346,254. A giant plot point consists of science fiction-like, giant monsters made of stone and fire, who are fallen angels known as “the Watchers.” They protect Noah and his family and kill battling warriors opposed to Noah. Again, where is this in Genesis?
Also not in Genesis: Noah’s fight against a warrior nemesis who leads armored legions of men to fight against Noah in many action-packed sword fights and sequences. The nemesis sneaks onto the ark and plots with Noah’s middle son to murder Noah. Oh, and he tempts and gets Noah’s son to eat the forbidden cooked animal meat. Um, wasn’t the snake and the apple thing from Adam and Eve’s portion of the Bible? Just asking.
Since several scenes show Noah’s nemesis melting and burnishing metal into armor, axes, and swords, I was puzzled and asked a friend of mine if they had metal work at that time. My friend said he believed that Noah might have been in the Bronze Age. But, then, I asked my friend if Noah took place in the Skinny Jeans Age because his wife (Jennifer Connelly) wears some really cool skinny jeans that look like she just bought ‘em from H&M or Forever 21. And I want a pair.
That’s the thing with this Non-Noah version of “Noah.” There’s nothing right about it. It looks like two uneducated Jews In Name Only–Darren Aronofsky and Ari Handel, who wrote this abominable crap–just slapped together a bunch of genres (action warrior, soap opera, science fiction) they see in modern films with the sexy costumes to match.
But the movie has almost absolutely no resemblance to the Noah you and I read in Genesis. On top of that, at nearly 2.5 hours long, it’s slow and boring. The real Noah story is a beautiful one that doesn’t need Hollywood “adornment”–and it would have been half as long.
Time for Aronofsky and Handel to go back to Hebrew school. They failed miserably.
“Noah” is NOT Noah.
* NOTE: On this site, we call PETA, “PUTAh” (People for the Unethical Treatment of Animals and humans) because we believe in truth in advertising.
FOUR MARXES PLUS
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