Weekend Box Office: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
By Debbie
Schlussel
I do not get the popularity of the Hobbit movies, including and especially, “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug,” in theaters today. Clocking in at nearly three hours(!)–161 minutes, to be exact–I was getting stir crazy sitting in my seat at the screening I attended.
The movie is long, boring, repetitive, and silly. And the plot is confusing. It has the same villains–the Orcs–as in the last Hobbit movie, “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey” (read my review), which was just as long and just as boring (and just came out a year ago!). Had I left to go to the bathroom and/or get refreshments, I would not have missed a thing. And even if I had, I’d see it again, as the movie had the same things happening over and over and over again. Don’t get me wrong. I like actor Benedict Cumberbatch. But how many times do I need to see the computer-generated image of the dragon he voices writhing around in obviously computer-generated gold coins, and how many times do I need to hear him ranting. Once would be enough. It seemed like geometric multiples of ten.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know–these movies aren’t sexual and their violence is the good guys against the bad and it’s good for kids (is it?) as opposed to the usual garbage at the movies that I decry on this site almost every week. And I know the Bilbo Baggins and Gandalf characters are morally good. But if this is the best they can do in the non-sexual, non-garbage, kids movies category, our country is sunk. Well, we already know Hollywood is sunk, morally and politically. And we already know it’s braindead, idea-wise. And that’s why all they can serve up for kids are endless sequel movies to the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. Is that all there is?
Oy.
The “story”: the Hobbit dude is fleeing the Orcs and trying to fight off a dragon, named Smaug, who lives among a giant treasure of gold coins and wants to destroy the city under which he lives (and maybe mankind–I was unsure). But elves save and help him. That’s a story you could have told in 20 minutes or less–yes, quicker than formerly guaranteed pizza delivery. But, instead, it took as long as a Superbowl to rehash the same old stuff I basically saw in that other Hobbit movie I reviewed.
One other thing: the movie is something of a women’s lib, feminist re-imagining of the Hobbit books. There are no female elves in them. But a sympathetic female elf–who is really the hero of the movie–was created and inserted into this movie for grrrl power reasons! So said Evangeline Lilly (though not in those words) who plays the elf-ette.
These directors who make three-hour-long movies are egomaniacs and narcissists. They actually think something they made is worthy of three hours of my life and they don’t, therefore, need to do any editing. Um, wrong. And, to make matters worse, after three hours of sitting there subjected to this boredom and sleep-inducement extraordinaire, they don’t tell you what happens at the end of this movie. They leave you hanging and force you to see the next movie to see what happens. What a rip-off of three hours of time and ten-plus bucks. Life really is too short for this.
But, hey, if you wanna be an absentee parent and dump your kids for three hours . . . .
I had to create a new rating for this one:
FOUR NODOZ BOTTLES
I do not get the popularity of the Hobbit movies, including and especially, “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug,” in theaters today. Clocking in at nearly three hours(!)–161 minutes, to be exact–I was getting stir crazy sitting in my seat at the screening I attended.
The movie is long, boring, repetitive, and silly. And the plot is confusing. It has the same villains–the Orcs–as in the last Hobbit movie, “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey” (read my review), which was just as long and just as boring (and just came out a year ago!). Had I left to go to the bathroom and/or get refreshments, I would not have missed a thing. And even if I had, I’d see it again, as the movie had the same things happening over and over and over again. Don’t get me wrong. I like actor Benedict Cumberbatch. But how many times do I need to see the computer-generated image of the dragon he voices writhing around in obviously computer-generated gold coins, and how many times do I need to hear him ranting. Once would be enough. It seemed like geometric multiples of ten.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know–these movies aren’t sexual and their violence is the good guys against the bad and it’s good for kids (is it?) as opposed to the usual garbage at the movies that I decry on this site almost every week. And I know the Bilbo Baggins and Gandalf characters are morally good. But if this is the best they can do in the non-sexual, non-garbage, kids movies category, our country is sunk. Well, we already know Hollywood is sunk, morally and politically. And we already know it’s braindead, idea-wise. And that’s why all they can serve up for kids are endless sequel movies to the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. Is that all there is?
Oy.
The “story”: the Hobbit dude is fleeing the Orcs and trying to fight off a dragon, named Smaug, who lives among a giant treasure of gold coins and wants to destroy the city under which he lives (and maybe mankind–I was unsure). But elves save and help him. That’s a story you could have told in 20 minutes or less–yes, quicker than formerly guaranteed pizza delivery. But, instead, it took as long as a Superbowl to rehash the same old stuff I basically saw in that other Hobbit movie I reviewed.
One other thing: the movie is something of a women’s lib, feminist re-imagining of the Hobbit books. There are no female elves in them. But a sympathetic female elf–who is really the hero of the movie–was created and inserted into this movie for grrrl power reasons! So said Evangeline Lilly (though not in those words) who plays the elf-ette.
These directors who make three-hour-long movies are egomaniacs and narcissists. They actually think something they made is worthy of three hours of my life and they don’t, therefore, need to do any editing. Um, wrong. And, to make matters worse, after three hours of sitting there subjected to this boredom and sleep-inducement extraordinaire, they don’t tell you what happens at the end of this movie. They leave you hanging and force you to see the next movie to see what happens. What a rip-off of three hours of time and ten-plus bucks. Life really is too short for this.
But, hey, if you wanna be an absentee parent and dump your kids for three hours . . . .
I had to create a new rating for this one:
FOUR NODOZ BOTTLES
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