Weekend Box Office: The Family, Austenland, Adore

Here is an interesting article from http://www.debbieschlussel.com/ reviewing some of the movies that came out over the past weekend. This follows this post about some of the movies from last week and THIS POST about some movies that have been released over the past few years that you might have missed! This all follows this post about guidelines to choosing good movies to watch yourself!

Weekend Box Office: The Family, Austenland, Adore


By Debbie Schlussel

Nothing that great and new at the movies, this weekend. I did not see “Insidious 2,” as the screening was at the same time as “The Family.”

* “The Family“: I had mixed feelings about this. Luc Besson, a director whose stuff I usually admire, was also at the helm of this one. But the movie fell flat in a few ways. It’s incredibly, unnecessarily violent, and for a dark comedy, it’s not that funny. It’s not a movie for kids, and not just because of the violence, but the language. It’s full of F-bombs and so on. On the other hand, it is a light, relaxing movie, but I’m not sure what the point was. None of the characters are likable, and it’s kind of a waste of time.

Robert De Niro and Michelle Pfeiffer, in novel roles for them, play, respectively, a mobster and his wife. Yes, I’m being sarcastic. Seems like that’s all they play. Ever. They and their two kids–a son and a daughter–are in the witness protection program and keep having to be relocated by their handler, Tommy Lee Jones, because De Niro keeps roughing up the locals throughout Europe. Now, they are in Normandy and bored to death. Meanwhile, the mobsters whom De Niro ratted out–particularly the Don–are plotting to find and murder De Niro and his family in revenge.

If you are a De Niro superfan, you might like this. And like I said, it’s light and entertaining, but distastefully violent and pointless. And just not entertaining enough to spend ten bucks-plus on. It might be better to be estranged from “The Family.”

HALF A REAGAN







* “Austenland“: Help, I’ve been dropped in a Jane Austen concentration camp, and they won’t let me out!

This is another one I had mixed feelings about, but mostly on the negative side. Keri Russell plays “Jane,” one of those women who is obsessed with Jane Austen books and fantasizes about living in that time and romancing Mr. Darcy. So, she spends her life savings to attend “Austenland,” a fantasy vacation world in England, owned and operated by Jane Seymour, where no modern appliances or accoutrements are allowed, and actors are hired to “romance” the guests. Jane is treated shabbily by Seymour because she only purchased a “copper” package, not the more expensive “platinum” one. Forced to compete with the other guests for two male actors, she falls for the help.

I’m making the movie sound far better than it is. It’s mostly dopey and like a bad ’80s movie, with a bad ’80s (and ’90s) soundtrack to boot. The jokes are silly, the characters–particularly one played by the awful Jennifer Coolidge (whose “acting” career should be shot and put out of its misery)–are annoying and stupid. And I felt like I was trapped on a dumb episode of “The Love Boat,” Jane Austen edition.

The idea for this movie–a woman facing her unrealistic fantasies taken from classic novels and finally growing up to live in the real world–was interesting and could have made for a very interesting flick. But the execution was just uber-vapid and ludicrous.

The ending isn’t bad, and the movie gets better in the last fifth or so. But it’s just so bad to begin with that all things are relative. And it’s weird that a dumb comedy with so much stupidity suddenly gets too serious and likable in the last moments. But that doesn’t make this nearly worth sitting through. This is supposed to be a comedy, but, amidst the moronism, there are few genuine laughs to be had. Except on the ticket buyer. The joke’s on you, even if you are a Jane Austen obsessive-compulsive.

By the way, I think I can hear the sound of the whale bones in Jane Austen’s corset crackling as she turns over in her grave.

HALF A MARX







* “Adore“: This is possibly the most warped, incestuous, weird movie I’ve seen. Or at least in that category with only a few others. If this movie were made with the genders reversed, there would be holy hell to pay about men having sick, nearly-incestuous, very creepy relationships with young women who are like their daughters. And, yet, this is promoted and pimped on us by celeb magazines as a “steamy soap opera.” And The Guardian incredibly called the movie, “brave” and “masterclass.” But, hey, if you use the concept of “cougars,” it’s a-okay, right? Yay, feminism!

Two Australian best friends from childhood (Robin Wright–the ex-Mrs. Sean Penn who does a crappy Aussie accent–and Naomi Watts) are now middle-aged women with gorgeous, barely legal, surfing Adonises, who are only 17 or 18. One (Watts) is a widow, and the other (Wright) is growing apart from her husband, who wants to move to Sydney. Both the women live on the Australian coast in fabulous houses and have fabulous jobs in addition to their fabulous, hunky sons (Xavier Samuel, James Frecheville). Soon, each finds herself having a sexual relationship with the other’s son. Ultimately, they end their warped sexual relationships with the two adonises–or do they?–when one of them falls for a girl his own age and decides to marry her.

This movie is so messed up, I cannot put it into words. But it draws you in with its glamour and unlikely symmetry of fabulous lives of the Australian well-to-do and the nice scenery–natural and human. But it’s still just sick. By the way, this “Fifty Shades of Greying Women Bleached Blonde” is based on a book called, “The Grandmothers .” (And I think one point of this movie is to show us that “grandmothers” Wright and Watts still have good enough bodies to sport bikinis and bed male teen hotties.)

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to know about any grandmas’ pedophiliac fantasies, and I don’t wanna see ‘em onscreen. There ain’t nothin’ “Adore”-able here. Not even close.

See, if only Ariel Castro had written a novel about his exploits and made a movie. And if only he and his captives were better looking, they’d have a movie, right? Yeah, that’s the ticket.

The West is now so warped that this is now “high-brow” cinema.

THREE MARXES PLUS FOUR BETTY FRIEDANS

Wknd Box Office: Dark Shadows, Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, Giant Mechanical Man, Damsels in Distress

Here is an interesting article from http://www.debbieschlussel.com/ reviewing some of the movies that came out over the past weekend. This follows this post some of the movies from last week and THIS POST about some movies that have been released over the past few years that you might have missed! This all follows this post about guidelines to chosing good movies to watch yourself!




Wknd Box Office: Dark Shadows, Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, Giant Mechanical Man, Damsels in Distress

By Debbie Schlussel



The new movie I liked best this weekend is the one that had the smallest budget, but a lot of class and charm, which I cannot say for any of the others.


* “Dark Shadows“: I didn’t hate this movie based on a late ’60s/early ’70s TV soap opera, as at least one commenter predicted I would. But, while I looked forward to seeing it, it didn’t quite live up to my expectations. On the other hand, it is chock full of camp, style, and kookiness, and parody. Too chock full of those things. . . to the point that it feels like a stuffed turducken with too many other animals crammed in along with it. The movie was waaaay tooo loooong, and it just became silly and boring at a point. It seems that everything–including the kitchen sink–is thrown in, including an appearance and performances by Alice Cooper. I like campy, unusual stuff, but I”m not sure I’d pay $10 to see it, as it’s neither a great nor tight movie. And I’m not quite sure what the plot actually was. It seemed like everything happened and yet nothing really happened to move things along. And at times, it was a comedy, other times a thriller, and other times something else. It’s sort of just weird. It wasn’t horrible. It was okay.



I saw it after the screening of a far superior small-budget, independent film, so perhaps I was spoiled for it. I was also disappointed that–with all the violence, gore, and a kinky sex scene between a vampire and a witch–it was only rate PG-13, instead of the R that it richly deserved. The movie has some funny lines, and it’s worth seeing (if you are a woman or gay) for the fashion, colors, and set design. It’s not really aimed at men, though some may enjoy it if they must be dragged to the movies by a wife or girlfriend and choose something other than “The Avengers.”



The story: the Collinses, an immigrant English family settles into a seaside community in Maine and becomes wealthy after building a fishing and cannery business in America’s early years. But a servant (Eva Green) who is in love with the family’s son, Barnabas (Johnny Depp), is upset that he spurned her love, and as she is secretly a witch, she kills his parents and turns him into a vampire. Then, she tells the town he is a vampire, and they bury him in a chained coffin. Flash forward to the early 1970s, when construction workers accidentally free vampire Barnabas, who returns to his ancestral home to find his descendants, including Michelle Pfeiffer, in what has become a dowdy unkempt mansion.



Barnabas helps the family return to their former wealth, but his real goal is to destroy the witch, who made him a vampire and destroyed his life. She’s now the fishing and canning magnate in town and has put the family’s rival business out of business. But not for long. Also in the mix is a mysterious young woman who answers an ad to become a nanny for a young Collins boy. What is her connection to the woman Barnabas loved in the past and who was sent to jump off a cliff by the evil witch?



The movie is mildly entertaining, but should have been tightened up and shortened. At this point, it’s unwieldy and overstuffed, but not like a good comfortable chair. More like a 30-course meal, when all you wanted was a tasty snack.



ONE REAGAN
* “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel“: This is “The Love Boat” for old people with British accents, set in India. And just as annoying and cheesy. Senior citizens are not the typical movie demographic, and Hollywood largely shuns them. This movie–which was a hit in Great Britain–attempts to fill that void. It’s a shame, though, because it’s low-brow with a high-brow set of accents and actors to put lipstick on the pig. Seniors deserve better, as do we all. And it’s predictable and vulgar. There is one character who declares he is gay and goes to see the man he had sex with as a kid in India and whose life he believed he ruined after the two of them were discovered by their families when they woke up. And there is a lecherous old man seeking to find women to sleep with. Ditto for some of the women, too.



The story: a bunch of England pensioners (that’s the British “high brow” term for retirees) have no future in England and are seeking a new life for the rest of their lives. Each sees an online ad to live cheaply at the luxurious “Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” in India. So, there they go, finding a dump that doesn’t look like what was advertised. Instead of “The Love Boat’s” Captain Stubing, there is a young Indian man (Dev Patel), who seeks to make a success of what is a rundown hotel once operated by a relative and now owned by himself and his brothers. He longs to be a success and is fighting off his mother’s desire to have him return home to Delhi and enter an arranged marriage. Instead, Patel loves a woman who looks like a double for his real-life girlfriend and “Slumdog Millionaire” co-star, Freida Pinto.



As for the English guests, one is a widow, another never married. There is a couple who lost their life savings by investing in their daughter’s internet company. And there is an old woman in a wheelchair who needs a hip replacement (or something like that). And the randy old guy plus the gay guy seeking forgiveness from his childhood lover. Yup, I know–it sounds dreadful. And it is. We are shown each of their stories and how those interweave, just like a bad episode (were there any other kind?) of “The Love Boat.” And all is neatly resolved at the end, minus Gopher and Isaac, etc.



Long, slow, and boring. But if you’re old, I guess they figure you’ll be down with that. Sad. I don’t think anyone wants to see old people–or people of any age–in these weird sexual situations and stories. Even old people. Oh, and this should have been rated R, too. But it was PG-13, as well. Not that anyone under 50 will want to see it. No one over 50 should either.



One other thing: the movie is produced by our anti-Semitic, anti-Israel, apartheid friends in the government of Dubai. Yup, ImageNation Dubai made this awful piece o’ crap. I wonder how the gay thing goes over. But, hey, as long as they are promoting the gay stuff to non-Muslims, what do they care? But Muslims would never ever be hypocrites, right? If you go see it, you are putting money in the pockets of those who boycott Israel and all Jews with an Israeli stamp in their passport. And money in the pockets of those who welcome HAMAS/Iran arms dealers to stay in their hotels. Skip it.



TWO MARXES


* “The Giant Mechanical Man“: This is one of the only Michigan Film Tax Credit boondoggle projects I actually liked (and if it couldn’t be made without being subsidized by Michigan taxpayers, it should not have been made). It’s cute, classy, and funny. It’s a chick flick/romantic comedy worth seeing, even though it’s gotten little press. It hits all of the notes just right, rarely done in these kinds of movies. And a plus: it mocks phony, New Age motivational speakers and advice providers.



Jenna Fischer (TV’s “The Office) plays a woman without direction who is struggling to survive economically. She works as a temp but gets fired by the temp agency and cannot make her rent. She has no choice but to move in with her yuppie sister (Malin Akerman) and her sister’s dentist husband, who try to set her up with their friend, a pretentious (is there any other kind?) motivational speaker and author (Topher Grace). At the same time, Chris Messina is a misunderstood mime with a street performer act. He dons silver make-up, a giant silver suit and hat, and stilts and performs outside in the winter downtown (the movie was filmed in Detroit, but isn’t set in any particular city). He has a fed-up shallow and materialistic girlfriend who seeks money and status and dumps him. But he’s a guy with class. He chastises two men who are engaged in filthy talk in front of a bartender at his girlfriend’s work party (just before the dumping). Soon Messina and Fischer end up more and more in each others’ lives and they are introduced when they both take jobs beneath them at the local zoo, in order to get by. And they fall for each other.



I’ve probably undersold the movie with my description, as it’s a lot better than it sounds . And funnier. It’s a short, entertaining, enjoyable movie filled with charm and humor. Both lead actors are terrific. And it speaks to the place in which a lot of people find themselves at one point of their lives or another. It’s a shame it’s only getting limited release and mostly in arthouse theaters. When it comes out on DVD, this will make a fun rental.



THREE REAGANS
* “Damsels in Distress“: This is one of those weird, pretentious arthouse movies that is just plain silly and boring, but pretends to be smart and high-brow. Don’t believe the hype. What was under two hours seemed like seven. At first, this seems like it will be a funny parody of college life and “well-intentioned” girls who seek to free their campus from its previous tradition of male domination and from its current state of depression and suicidal tendencies. There are some funny lines. But it degrades into stupid anti-male sexism without a point. And it quickly becomes clear that the movie is going nowhere at five miles an hour. It’s just too ridiculous and dumb to be put into words. Don’t waste your time. “Damsels” is an elitist time bandit. Pretending to be something classy and worthwhile, it’ll steal two hours of your life you’ll never get back. And ten bucks better spent on coffee.



FOUR MARXES