Wknd Box Office: 10 Cloverfield Lane, The Perfect Match
By Debbie Schlussel
One decent new movie in theaters today (stay tuned ’til next week for
my review of one of the best thrillers I’ve ever seen!). The Young
Messiah and The Brothers Grimsby were not screened for critics (though I
might try to see Grimsby and post a review later today or some time
this weekend):
* 10 Cloverfield Lane – Rated PG-13: I enjoyed this sci-fi/Twilight Zone-esque movie, even if I’ve seen parts of this before in other movies. It’s entertaining, well-acted, and makes you wonder what you would do in this situation. And although it’s PG-13, I thought it was quite violent (and gross) for young teens. The movie is kind of a hybrid of two or three types of films.
The story: somewhere in Louisiana, a woman named Michelle (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) packed her stuff and starts driving in her car at night. She hears on the radio of a massive power outage and her boyfriend, with whom she’s upset, keeps trying to reach her on her cell phone, which she doesn’t answer. Suddenly, her car is hit very hard, and she gets into a car accident. She wakes up with her leg chained to a wall in a strange room where she is on a mattress on the floor.
Michelle soon learns that she’s being held in an underground bunker below a farmhouse. The man keeping her there is Howard (John Goodman), the owner of the property. And she has a fellow resident in Emmett (John Gallagher Jr.). Howard tells Michelle that she’s been in a car accident and that he rescued her from a chemical attack probably begun by aliens. He tells Michelle that she’s chained because he doesn’t want her to try to leave and breathe or let in the poisonous air. He claims that the power outage was the beginning of the attack and that he saved her just in time, after coming across Michelle just after her accident on the side of the road. Emmett, who is far younger and less creepy than Howard, tries to convince Michelle this is all true.
Eventually, Michelle–who is skeptical of the story about the air and the alien attacks–becomes convinced, after seeing some pretty convincing proof. And Michelle, Howard, and Emmett quickly become sort of like a “family,” playing board games, watching movies, and eating together in the bunker.
Ultimately, Michelle isn’t completely convinced, though. She finds some things that lead her to believe that Howard isn’t exactly telling the complete truth, and even if he is, she thinks there is something wrong with him going on and wants to leave. She wonders, also, why Howard won’t allow her to call family and friends to see if any have survived the alleged attacks.
To tell you more would be to ruin the movie. It is suspenseful and keeps you wondering what is really going on. Is Howard really telling the truth? Is Michelle really there for the reasons he says? Or are there evil, ulterior motives?
In case you were wondering, this movie is “connected” to the 2008 movie Cloverfield (read my review), in that both movies are produced by the movie world’s current Godzilla, J. J. Abrams (Cloverfield is the name of the street on which he grew up). But the stories, while connected in just a tiny way, are independent of each other, so you need not see one to like the other.
Like I said, there are some–a very, very few–grisly, violent, bloody things that happen in the movie. And it’s well-done if on a small budget. Not the greatest sci-fi movie I’ve ever seen. But good enough. Entertaining, creepy, mostly believable, and a good escapist movie.
TWO-AND-A-HALF REAGANS
Watch the trailer . . .
* The Perfect Match – Rated R: I hated this movie. It’s a fine example of why “Black movies” don’t get nominated for Oscars. Maybe the Twitter hashtag for the protests should have been #OscarsSoClassy instead of #OscarsSoWhite. This stupid, waste-of-time, lowlife movie is very ghetto, despite being dressed up as a film about rich, young Black professionals. I felt like it was almost an extended, slightly churched-up rap video. Make no mistake, most of the people in this movie may have expensive taste and the money to buy it, but their behavior and discussions are just gross. . . unless you think discussions about “squirting” are the stuff of which great movies are made in the Kardashian era. Um, TMI times a thousand. The movie is also racist.
And that’s not to mention that there is some really bad casting here to go along with the awful “acting.” Terrence Jenkins a/k/a Terrence J, who is darker-skinned plays the brother of the much lighter-skinned Paula Patton (who is half White in real life). He also has a slightly pronounced Black accent, whereas she speaks English like a White chick. And, yet, we’re supposed to be convinced they are from the same set of parents. Not that I cared. This movie just isn’t that deep (not even close), so who cares? It’s garbage. You can’t expect better from a movie co-starring Jennifer Lopez’s concubine, Beau Casper Smart, and lowlife Arab Muslim illegal alien rapper French Montana a/k/a Karim Kharbouch.
Jenkins plays an agent and public relations executive who represents companies, athletes, and rappers and puts together deals involving them. He and Smart (who is Hispanic and rides around work on a hoverboard) work for a sleazy White boss, “Marty” (Joe Pantoliano), who appears to be either Italian or Jewish. Regardless, the boss is the only White person in the movie, and, so, of course, is a schmuck. Aren’t all White people?
The “story” (if you can call it that): Jenkins plays Charlie, a serial womanizer who doesn’t want to settle down. His best male friends, one of whom is married and the other of whom is about to be, bet Charlie that he can’t stick with just dating one woman exclusively until the upcoming wedding. He takes the bet and is soon “dating” (actually just having sex with) Eva (Cassie Ventura–previously one of the voices of Grand Theft Auto V), a woman he’s seen at work. The woman, who is incredibly sleazy and a total slut, repeatedly asks him for booty calls, and he soon falls for her. But, then, Charlie discovers something about Eva (essentially that she’s as sleazy as he is) that causes him to start heavily drinking, making dumb moves at work, being rude to his friends, and neglecting every area of his life.
I hated every single person in this horrible B-movie (with apologies to the letter “B”). And there’s nothing fun or relaxing about watching this insufferable, slow, filthy, racist bore. I literally felt brain cells die while sitting through this utter crap. Best for Gitmo torture material. Yuck. Just yuck.
FOUR MARXES PLUS FOUR OBAMAS PLUS FOUR MICHELLE LAVAUGHN ROBINSON HUSSEIN OBAMA IDI AMIN DADAS PLUS TO ISIS BEHEADINGS
Watch the trailer . . .
* 10 Cloverfield Lane – Rated PG-13: I enjoyed this sci-fi/Twilight Zone-esque movie, even if I’ve seen parts of this before in other movies. It’s entertaining, well-acted, and makes you wonder what you would do in this situation. And although it’s PG-13, I thought it was quite violent (and gross) for young teens. The movie is kind of a hybrid of two or three types of films.
The story: somewhere in Louisiana, a woman named Michelle (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) packed her stuff and starts driving in her car at night. She hears on the radio of a massive power outage and her boyfriend, with whom she’s upset, keeps trying to reach her on her cell phone, which she doesn’t answer. Suddenly, her car is hit very hard, and she gets into a car accident. She wakes up with her leg chained to a wall in a strange room where she is on a mattress on the floor.
Michelle soon learns that she’s being held in an underground bunker below a farmhouse. The man keeping her there is Howard (John Goodman), the owner of the property. And she has a fellow resident in Emmett (John Gallagher Jr.). Howard tells Michelle that she’s been in a car accident and that he rescued her from a chemical attack probably begun by aliens. He tells Michelle that she’s chained because he doesn’t want her to try to leave and breathe or let in the poisonous air. He claims that the power outage was the beginning of the attack and that he saved her just in time, after coming across Michelle just after her accident on the side of the road. Emmett, who is far younger and less creepy than Howard, tries to convince Michelle this is all true.
Eventually, Michelle–who is skeptical of the story about the air and the alien attacks–becomes convinced, after seeing some pretty convincing proof. And Michelle, Howard, and Emmett quickly become sort of like a “family,” playing board games, watching movies, and eating together in the bunker.
Ultimately, Michelle isn’t completely convinced, though. She finds some things that lead her to believe that Howard isn’t exactly telling the complete truth, and even if he is, she thinks there is something wrong with him going on and wants to leave. She wonders, also, why Howard won’t allow her to call family and friends to see if any have survived the alleged attacks.
To tell you more would be to ruin the movie. It is suspenseful and keeps you wondering what is really going on. Is Howard really telling the truth? Is Michelle really there for the reasons he says? Or are there evil, ulterior motives?
In case you were wondering, this movie is “connected” to the 2008 movie Cloverfield (read my review), in that both movies are produced by the movie world’s current Godzilla, J. J. Abrams (Cloverfield is the name of the street on which he grew up). But the stories, while connected in just a tiny way, are independent of each other, so you need not see one to like the other.
Like I said, there are some–a very, very few–grisly, violent, bloody things that happen in the movie. And it’s well-done if on a small budget. Not the greatest sci-fi movie I’ve ever seen. But good enough. Entertaining, creepy, mostly believable, and a good escapist movie.
TWO-AND-A-HALF REAGANS
Watch the trailer . . .
* The Perfect Match – Rated R: I hated this movie. It’s a fine example of why “Black movies” don’t get nominated for Oscars. Maybe the Twitter hashtag for the protests should have been #OscarsSoClassy instead of #OscarsSoWhite. This stupid, waste-of-time, lowlife movie is very ghetto, despite being dressed up as a film about rich, young Black professionals. I felt like it was almost an extended, slightly churched-up rap video. Make no mistake, most of the people in this movie may have expensive taste and the money to buy it, but their behavior and discussions are just gross. . . unless you think discussions about “squirting” are the stuff of which great movies are made in the Kardashian era. Um, TMI times a thousand. The movie is also racist.
And that’s not to mention that there is some really bad casting here to go along with the awful “acting.” Terrence Jenkins a/k/a Terrence J, who is darker-skinned plays the brother of the much lighter-skinned Paula Patton (who is half White in real life). He also has a slightly pronounced Black accent, whereas she speaks English like a White chick. And, yet, we’re supposed to be convinced they are from the same set of parents. Not that I cared. This movie just isn’t that deep (not even close), so who cares? It’s garbage. You can’t expect better from a movie co-starring Jennifer Lopez’s concubine, Beau Casper Smart, and lowlife Arab Muslim illegal alien rapper French Montana a/k/a Karim Kharbouch.
Jenkins plays an agent and public relations executive who represents companies, athletes, and rappers and puts together deals involving them. He and Smart (who is Hispanic and rides around work on a hoverboard) work for a sleazy White boss, “Marty” (Joe Pantoliano), who appears to be either Italian or Jewish. Regardless, the boss is the only White person in the movie, and, so, of course, is a schmuck. Aren’t all White people?
The “story” (if you can call it that): Jenkins plays Charlie, a serial womanizer who doesn’t want to settle down. His best male friends, one of whom is married and the other of whom is about to be, bet Charlie that he can’t stick with just dating one woman exclusively until the upcoming wedding. He takes the bet and is soon “dating” (actually just having sex with) Eva (Cassie Ventura–previously one of the voices of Grand Theft Auto V), a woman he’s seen at work. The woman, who is incredibly sleazy and a total slut, repeatedly asks him for booty calls, and he soon falls for her. But, then, Charlie discovers something about Eva (essentially that she’s as sleazy as he is) that causes him to start heavily drinking, making dumb moves at work, being rude to his friends, and neglecting every area of his life.
I hated every single person in this horrible B-movie (with apologies to the letter “B”). And there’s nothing fun or relaxing about watching this insufferable, slow, filthy, racist bore. I literally felt brain cells die while sitting through this utter crap. Best for Gitmo torture material. Yuck. Just yuck.
FOUR MARXES PLUS FOUR OBAMAS PLUS FOUR MICHELLE LAVAUGHN ROBINSON HUSSEIN OBAMA IDI AMIN DADAS PLUS TO ISIS BEHEADINGS
Watch the trailer . . .
Brothers Grimsby: In Depraved Sacha Baron Cohen Movie, Donald Trump Gets AIDS
By Debbie Schlussel
In “The Brothers Grimsby,”
written by and starring Sacha Baron Cohen, Donald Trump gets AIDS.
(Too bad Cohen doesn’t die of cancer.) And, sadly, that outrageous
political BS is the least disgusting thing about this absolutely
sickening, completely stupid, totally unfunny movie.
As I noted on Friday, this movie was not screened for critics, and I should have taken the hint. It also was not represented by any of the big public relations firms that usually promote studios and their movies locally in various cities (including Detroit). That should have been a bigger hint for me. But I went to see the movie on Friday to review it for you. Big mistake. To say I was repulsed is the understatement of the year. Recently, Cohen and his wife, Isla Fisher (who also stars in the movie), donated $1 million to the Jew-hating, America-hating Syrian Muslim refugees (via the anti-Israel Save The Children and the equally anti-Israel International Rescue Committee). If only ISIS were forced to watch this film and then Cohen was sent via parachute to the middle of ISIS-controlled territory. It would be poetic justice. After seeing this, I hate the guy that much. This is nothing like previous Cohen movies, such as “Borat” (read my review)–which condescendingly mocked the goodness of White, Christian, Jewish, and patriotic Americans–or “Bruno” (read my review). This makes those look like masterpieces.
If scenes of men inside the vaginal canal of an elephant, while male elephants have sex with the female elephant and ejaculate on the men inside, is your thing, then you’re a warped sicko . . . and this is your movie. For the rest of us, hopefully sanity prevails. I dare any idiot rabbi that lets this scumbag, Sacha Baron Cohen, pray in his synagogue to see this movie. Cohen should be excommunicated. He’s an absolute scumbag. And a really, really sick guy, since he dreamed up the very repulsive, disgusting scenes that make up this so-called movie. It’s just gross. And, by the way, this is supposed to be a comedy. I didn’t laugh once.
The story: Cohen and his brother (Mark Strong, who is much better than appearing in this vile, depraved crap) are separated as kids. His brother is raised in a wealthy, cultured family and becomes a secret agent for MI6, chasing and foiling terrorists. Cohen is a lowlife loser idiot on welfare in working-class London with eleven (or so) kids. They are reunited when Cohen learns of his brother’s existence and screws up a targeted assassination of a terrorist. Then, together, they go on exploits around the world, including in South Africa, where Strong is still trying to foil the terrorists and also trying to elude the British government, which wants to take him down for being a rogue agent.
Among the many depraved, disgusting scenes, is the elephant sex scene. But that’s not the only one, and I feel dirty even describing these other ones. They’re not just filthy, they’re just sickening. And so is the guy who thought them up and decided to put them on film. Cohen sticks his face in hot wax and then falls on a woman’s vagina, resulting in pubic hair surrounding his mouth. Yes, classy. Then, there’s the scene of the fat-laden naked crotch of Cohen’s wife, the calorically-gifted Rebel Wilson. Uggh. There is also the scene where he is about to have sex with the morbidly obese Gabourey Sidibe and is wearing a mini-camera, so her pubic hair is broadcast to the MI6 in close-up. Unsee, unsee, unsee! And, of course, there is that scene in which Strong is struck in one of his testicles by a poisonous dart and forces his brother, Cohen, to suck it out, something we are shown in close-up complete with testicles and pubic hair. Toward the end of the movie, Cohen and Strong foil a terrorist attack at a soccer game in South Africa, by inserting the tips of missiles up their rear ends, and viewers are shown the result when they are in the hospital afterward. I threw up in my mouth during this entire warped piece of crap on the big screen.
At the terrorist attack, blood with the HIV virus is accidentally shot into Donald Trump’s mouth and we’re informed he has contracted AIDS. If only that would happen to Sacha Baron Cohen instead, the world would be a lot better off. You think he’d ever make a movie in which Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, or Bernie Sanders got AIDS? Think again. (It’s stuff like this that brings me over to Trump’s side more and more. If Hollywood hates him, that can’t be bad.) This guy Cohen is a total schmuck. Maybe he won’t get his now, but some day, he’ll rot in hell. Bet on it.
Yes, this is the absolutely repellent garbage that is greenlit by Hollywood these days. And that creep, Cohen, is laughing all the way to the bank. Thanks, Sony Pictures. You really know Gitmo torture material when you see it.
FOUR ISIS BEHEADINGS PLUS
Watch the trailer . . .
As I noted on Friday, this movie was not screened for critics, and I should have taken the hint. It also was not represented by any of the big public relations firms that usually promote studios and their movies locally in various cities (including Detroit). That should have been a bigger hint for me. But I went to see the movie on Friday to review it for you. Big mistake. To say I was repulsed is the understatement of the year. Recently, Cohen and his wife, Isla Fisher (who also stars in the movie), donated $1 million to the Jew-hating, America-hating Syrian Muslim refugees (via the anti-Israel Save The Children and the equally anti-Israel International Rescue Committee). If only ISIS were forced to watch this film and then Cohen was sent via parachute to the middle of ISIS-controlled territory. It would be poetic justice. After seeing this, I hate the guy that much. This is nothing like previous Cohen movies, such as “Borat” (read my review)–which condescendingly mocked the goodness of White, Christian, Jewish, and patriotic Americans–or “Bruno” (read my review). This makes those look like masterpieces.
If scenes of men inside the vaginal canal of an elephant, while male elephants have sex with the female elephant and ejaculate on the men inside, is your thing, then you’re a warped sicko . . . and this is your movie. For the rest of us, hopefully sanity prevails. I dare any idiot rabbi that lets this scumbag, Sacha Baron Cohen, pray in his synagogue to see this movie. Cohen should be excommunicated. He’s an absolute scumbag. And a really, really sick guy, since he dreamed up the very repulsive, disgusting scenes that make up this so-called movie. It’s just gross. And, by the way, this is supposed to be a comedy. I didn’t laugh once.
The story: Cohen and his brother (Mark Strong, who is much better than appearing in this vile, depraved crap) are separated as kids. His brother is raised in a wealthy, cultured family and becomes a secret agent for MI6, chasing and foiling terrorists. Cohen is a lowlife loser idiot on welfare in working-class London with eleven (or so) kids. They are reunited when Cohen learns of his brother’s existence and screws up a targeted assassination of a terrorist. Then, together, they go on exploits around the world, including in South Africa, where Strong is still trying to foil the terrorists and also trying to elude the British government, which wants to take him down for being a rogue agent.
Among the many depraved, disgusting scenes, is the elephant sex scene. But that’s not the only one, and I feel dirty even describing these other ones. They’re not just filthy, they’re just sickening. And so is the guy who thought them up and decided to put them on film. Cohen sticks his face in hot wax and then falls on a woman’s vagina, resulting in pubic hair surrounding his mouth. Yes, classy. Then, there’s the scene of the fat-laden naked crotch of Cohen’s wife, the calorically-gifted Rebel Wilson. Uggh. There is also the scene where he is about to have sex with the morbidly obese Gabourey Sidibe and is wearing a mini-camera, so her pubic hair is broadcast to the MI6 in close-up. Unsee, unsee, unsee! And, of course, there is that scene in which Strong is struck in one of his testicles by a poisonous dart and forces his brother, Cohen, to suck it out, something we are shown in close-up complete with testicles and pubic hair. Toward the end of the movie, Cohen and Strong foil a terrorist attack at a soccer game in South Africa, by inserting the tips of missiles up their rear ends, and viewers are shown the result when they are in the hospital afterward. I threw up in my mouth during this entire warped piece of crap on the big screen.
At the terrorist attack, blood with the HIV virus is accidentally shot into Donald Trump’s mouth and we’re informed he has contracted AIDS. If only that would happen to Sacha Baron Cohen instead, the world would be a lot better off. You think he’d ever make a movie in which Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, or Bernie Sanders got AIDS? Think again. (It’s stuff like this that brings me over to Trump’s side more and more. If Hollywood hates him, that can’t be bad.) This guy Cohen is a total schmuck. Maybe he won’t get his now, but some day, he’ll rot in hell. Bet on it.
Yes, this is the absolutely repellent garbage that is greenlit by Hollywood these days. And that creep, Cohen, is laughing all the way to the bank. Thanks, Sony Pictures. You really know Gitmo torture material when you see it.
FOUR ISIS BEHEADINGS PLUS
Watch the trailer . . .
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