By Debbie Schlussel
Nothing to really recommend that’s new at the movies, this weekend.
* “Thor: The Dark World“: I like a good superhero movie. This ain’t it. I didn’t especially like the first “Thor” movie (read my review). This one was far worse. Long, boring, dull, and confusing. The story/plot of this movie looks like someone phoned it in. It’s silly and hard to follow. This movie has so much action and so many special effects, and yet I struggled to stay awake because, at the same time, it was so slow.
Natalie Portman is bummed out that Thor, the love of her life, disappeared from Earth without saying good-bye, two years ago. But he returns because Earth and the other realms over which he has power are in danger from some group called the “Dark Elves.” It’s strange because they are pale white and not elfin or height-challenged in the least. Thor must partner with his evil brother, Loki, to fight off the Dark Elves (headed by some dude named Malekith), in defiance of his king father’s efforts. And, eventually, the day is saved. There is a lot of confusing scientific mumbo-jumbo and jargon and other silly stuff that seems to serve as filler. Also, there’s some running debate as to whether Loki is still a bad guy or now a good guy. Who cares?
Superhero movies are supposed to be filled with magic and excitement, with suspense and thrills, and this has none of those.
A waste of time which I’m sure will do gazillions at the box office.
HALF A REAGAN
* “Diana“: Should’ve been called, “Princess Diana Liked Muslim Penis . . . and Was a Psycho-Super-Stalker.” The whole time I was watching this, I kept thinking, “Just Die Already!”
I hated this extremely silly, waste-of-time movie. Long, boring, and dull. Sitting through this was Grade A Gitmo Torture. It was almost as excruciating as sitting through that whole weekend of non-stop “Diana Has Died” nonsense, during that weekend of 1997 in which we were told non-stop about “the Whole World crying” over the “untimely death” of an overrated, proud high school dropout whore who married into an inbred royal family. Oh, and Diana is played by Naomi Watts who looks and sounds nothing like the real thing. Frankly, it would have been more entertaining if, say, Tracy Morgan played Diana in this movie.
The movie is Princess Diana’s affair with Pakistani Muslim doctor Hasnat Khan (Naveen Andrews). She stalks him incessantly, showing up at his work, his apartment, and so on, even after he repeatedly dumps and rejects her. One day, while he’s at work, she enters his dirty, messy apartment and spends the day vacuuming and washing the dishes. Yeah, right. Like that EVER happened.
Diana recites from the Koran to Khan to impress him and tells him, “I studied Islam several years ago, so you see I’ve been preparing for you for a long time.” Barf. And, since this is partially a Muslim propaganda flick, Dr. Khan tells Diana, “To me, Islam means the constant reformation of one’s character.” Really? And I thought it meant the constant reformation of the quality of one’s IEDs, hijacking methods, and ways to shoot up American military bases. Silly me.
Not that I believe anyone ever said any of the things that comprise the dialogue of this movie. I think it’s all made up and stupid, including comments such as, “I’m a princess, and I get what I want.” Or scenes of Diana ordering “Gray’s Anatomy” and having multiple orgasms when she opens the book. I don’t doubt that Diana, like the rest of the British Royals, was an Islamo-panderer. Heck, she serviced at least two Muslim penises (Khan’s and Dodi Fayed’s) that we know of . . . and probably enough to field a Muslim football team. In one scene, Khan’s relative tells him, “If you marry Diana, it will be a great thing for Pakistan and for the whole Islamic world.” And I was wondering if he meant politically . . . or for a multi-national Muslim orgy.
There is enough crying and unnecessary melodrama in this joke of a movie to last me several lifetimes. But one other thing: I hate when movies get their gadgets, clothing, and other stuff so obviously wrong. Diana tells Khan that, “like most normal people, I have a mobile.” But few normal people had a cell phone back in 1994 or ’95, when she tells him that. She also wears “skinny jeans” throughout the movie. Skinny jeans were not in style in 1994-97, when the movie takes place. The wardrobe director needs to be fired.
But so does everyone else who had anything to do with the cinematic stupidity.
THREE MARXES PLUS AN OBAMA PLUS TWO BIN LADENS