Wknd Box Office: The Boy Next Door, Mortdecai, Two Days, One Night
By Debbie
Schlussel
Another abysmal set of choices in new movies debuting at theaters today.
* “The Boy Next Door“: Absolutely awful. Yet another in a long line of horrible movies starring J-Lo a/k/a Jennifer Lopez. This movie reportedly had a $4 million budget, and it looks like it. Lopez plays a high school teacher who has sex with a 20-year-old high school student who just moved in next door (he is 20 and still in high school because he took time off after his parents both died). The 20-year-old begins stalking, threatening, and blackmailing her because she won’t have a relationship with him. And he begins inserting himself into her life. Not only is the story absurd and the lines cheesier than a double cheeseburger, but the movie seems to make excuses for all of the female teachers who’ve had sex with their high school students. The movie seems to say that these teachers are the victims, that they are stalked and preyed upon by crazy male students. Incredibly stupid and high quality Gitmo torture material.
THREE MARXES PLUS THREE BETTY FRIEDANS PLUS THREE MICHELLE LAVAUGHN ROBINSON HUSSEIN OBAMA IDI AMIN DADAS PLUS THREE TOM BRADY DEFLATED BALLS PLUS THREE ISIS BEHEADINGS
* “Mortdecai“: This wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected, but it was still bad enough and kind of lame. Most of the humor wasn’t funny, but there were a few funny lines and moments. It stars the two self-hating Americans In Name Only (AINOs) and Europhiles Johnny Depp and Gwyneth Paltrow, both of them loathsome. In this movie, both get to be what they pretend to be in real life: pretentious, wealthy English people. The movie is in the style of the late ’60s and early ’70s Peter-Sellers-style madcap comedy, but doesn’t even come close. Most of the jokes are dopey and lame, along with the “plot.”
Depp is an English lord who is a scoundrel underworld art dealer, nearly broke and in debt to the tune of millions in taxes to the English government. An MI5 agent, known to Depp and his wife, Paltrow, enlists Depp to find a stolen painting on which the Nazis reportedly put the numbers to a Swiss bank account. Depp flies all over the world to try to get the painting and secure it away from a Syrian-trained terrorist and keep the terrorist from getting the money in the Swiss bank account. Accompanying Depp is his butler/bodyguard (Paul Bettany).
Believe me that my description makes this movie look much better than it is. I’m being very generous when I give it . . .
HALF A REAGAN
* “Two Days, One Night [Deux Jours, Une Nuit]“: This French film with English subtitles takes place in Belgium. It’s your typical left-wing anti-business movie. 9/11 truther Marion Cotillard plays a woman who has been on sick leave from her working-class factory job, due to depression. While she was away, her employer realized it could get all of the necessary work done with 16 employees, rather than the usual 17 including her. And the plant foreman doesn’t like her.
When she seeks to return to work, the union has a vote between a large bonus or allowing Cotillard to get her job back. Most employees vote for the bonus. But Cotillard’s employer allows a second vote, and with the encouragement of her devoted husband, Cotillard visits her fellow employees over the weekend to try to convince them to vote for her to keep her job instead of them getting the bonus. Throughout, she’s tearful, whiny, and popping pills.
Not only is it depressing, but it’s your typical anti-capitalist, anti-free-market movie depicting the narrative of “evil” businesses pitting poor working-class employees against each other in order to try to fight for their jobs. And the movie is slow and boring, to boot. No way I’d pay to see this.
FOUR MARXES
Another abysmal set of choices in new movies debuting at theaters today.
* “The Boy Next Door“: Absolutely awful. Yet another in a long line of horrible movies starring J-Lo a/k/a Jennifer Lopez. This movie reportedly had a $4 million budget, and it looks like it. Lopez plays a high school teacher who has sex with a 20-year-old high school student who just moved in next door (he is 20 and still in high school because he took time off after his parents both died). The 20-year-old begins stalking, threatening, and blackmailing her because she won’t have a relationship with him. And he begins inserting himself into her life. Not only is the story absurd and the lines cheesier than a double cheeseburger, but the movie seems to make excuses for all of the female teachers who’ve had sex with their high school students. The movie seems to say that these teachers are the victims, that they are stalked and preyed upon by crazy male students. Incredibly stupid and high quality Gitmo torture material.
THREE MARXES PLUS THREE BETTY FRIEDANS PLUS THREE MICHELLE LAVAUGHN ROBINSON HUSSEIN OBAMA IDI AMIN DADAS PLUS THREE TOM BRADY DEFLATED BALLS PLUS THREE ISIS BEHEADINGS
* “Mortdecai“: This wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected, but it was still bad enough and kind of lame. Most of the humor wasn’t funny, but there were a few funny lines and moments. It stars the two self-hating Americans In Name Only (AINOs) and Europhiles Johnny Depp and Gwyneth Paltrow, both of them loathsome. In this movie, both get to be what they pretend to be in real life: pretentious, wealthy English people. The movie is in the style of the late ’60s and early ’70s Peter-Sellers-style madcap comedy, but doesn’t even come close. Most of the jokes are dopey and lame, along with the “plot.”
Depp is an English lord who is a scoundrel underworld art dealer, nearly broke and in debt to the tune of millions in taxes to the English government. An MI5 agent, known to Depp and his wife, Paltrow, enlists Depp to find a stolen painting on which the Nazis reportedly put the numbers to a Swiss bank account. Depp flies all over the world to try to get the painting and secure it away from a Syrian-trained terrorist and keep the terrorist from getting the money in the Swiss bank account. Accompanying Depp is his butler/bodyguard (Paul Bettany).
Believe me that my description makes this movie look much better than it is. I’m being very generous when I give it . . .
HALF A REAGAN
* “Two Days, One Night [Deux Jours, Une Nuit]“: This French film with English subtitles takes place in Belgium. It’s your typical left-wing anti-business movie. 9/11 truther Marion Cotillard plays a woman who has been on sick leave from her working-class factory job, due to depression. While she was away, her employer realized it could get all of the necessary work done with 16 employees, rather than the usual 17 including her. And the plant foreman doesn’t like her.
When she seeks to return to work, the union has a vote between a large bonus or allowing Cotillard to get her job back. Most employees vote for the bonus. But Cotillard’s employer allows a second vote, and with the encouragement of her devoted husband, Cotillard visits her fellow employees over the weekend to try to convince them to vote for her to keep her job instead of them getting the bonus. Throughout, she’s tearful, whiny, and popping pills.
Not only is it depressing, but it’s your typical anti-capitalist, anti-free-market movie depicting the narrative of “evil” businesses pitting poor working-class employees against each other in order to try to fight for their jobs. And the movie is slow and boring, to boot. No way I’d pay to see this.
FOUR MARXES
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