Living Together?

I wanted to send you two contrasting articles about living together without marriage. The first is from USA Today and basically comes to the conclusion that there is nothing much wrong with it. The second is from our magazine and it gives you the answers to bring up if somebody comes to you asking for advice. It is good to be prepared in case this opportunity presents itself to you.

http://www.usatoday.com/printedition/life/20080609/d_worldcohab09.art.htm
Living together: No big deal?
Study: A walk down the aisle may not be the next step, either
By Sharon JaysonUSA TODAY An analysis of cohabitation, marriage and divorce data from 13 countries, including the USA, shows that living together has become so mainstream that growing numbers of Americans view it as an alternative to marriage. The National Marriage Project study of a sampling of Western European and Scandinavian nations, Australia, Canada and New Zealand found that cohabitation elsewhere is far more common and indeed viewed as an option to matrimony. The study found that anywhere from 15% to 30% of all couples identified themselves as living together, compared with about 10% right now in the USA. "We're still the most marrying of all these countries, but the data are clearly headed in the one common direction. It's headed in the direction of cohabitation as an alternative," says David Popenoe, the report's author and co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, which studies marriage and child well-being.Because the most recent data analyzed from some countries is two years old or more, and because increasing numbers of celebrities are living together, Popenoe says his projections take into account slight increases over time."Today, celebrities from Hollywood and elsewhere are looked up to," he says. "They have become role models. They are far more influential today than ever in the past." A previous study by the same group showed that since 1970, the number of Americans living together has increased from about 500,000 opposite-sex couples to more than 5 million.Using databases of Census-like information in the countries studied, the new analysis found that the marriage rate is down in all countries except Norway and Sweden, which have had traditionally low marriage rates. In the USA from 1995 to 2005, the marriage rate declined almost 20%. The report will be posted online Wednesday. Joselin Linder, 33, of Brooklyn is living with a boyfriend now and has lived with two others in the past. Now she's co-author of the new book The Good Girl's Guide to Living in Sin and says many women her age and younger view living with a romantic partner as a convenience. She says it's not about avoiding marriage. "It's what's happening in the world of dating, and it's not necessarily a path anywhere," she says.The new report cites Census data showing that about 40% of all opposite-sex, unmarried couples live with their own child under 18. "We often think of cohabitation as a phenomenon of young adulthood before people start having kids, but … as marriage is being delayed to later and later ages, more children are born before marriage, and many of the couples are cohabiting before the birth," says R. Kelly Raley, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Texas-Austin, who did not participate in the study.Raley isn't convinced that cohabitation is being viewed as a marriage alternative, citing a 2001 study of her own. The evidence, she found, didn't suggest people cohabit to start a family, which she says is what would be expected if cohabitation were considered a marriage alternative.The National Marriage Project report also cites findings from earlier studies showing that children of cohabiting couples are more likely to experience emotional problems, alcoholism and drug abuse. But Raley says the research leaves unanswered questions. "Many cohabiting couples use cohabitation to weather economic uncertainty or uncertainty about a relationship," she says. "We can't tell if the negative outcome for the child is due to the cohabitation or to the economic uncertainty or maybe the relationship uncertainty. That's a limitation of the data."

http://www.gnmagazine.org/issues/gn41/livingtogether.htm
Living Together: What Aren't They Telling You?
Millions of people choose to live together outside of marriage, thinking that will bring them happiness and a stable relationship. The truth, however, is far different.
by Noel HornorIt used to be called living in sin. At one time every U.S. state had laws against it. Some believe that rising rates of sexually transmitted diseases have applied a brake to the sexual revolution, but cohabitation—unmarried couples living together—is one trend that has not slowed.The 2000 census figures for America show that "3.8 million households ... were classified as unmarried-partner households." This figure is probably lower than the actual number of unmarried partner households because, in an interview, some couples "may describe themselves as roommates, housemates, or friends not related to each other" (America's Families and Living Arrangements, June 2000).U.S. News & World Report noted that "in America ... cohabiting couples make up ... about 7 percent of the total" of couples living together (March 13, 2000). This was a sevenfold increase from 1970, during the heart of the sexual revolution (Information Please Almanac, 1997, p. 434).Although living together without the benefit of matrimony carries virtually no social stigma, some still worry about it. Says psychologist and divorce researcher Judith Wallerstein: "What can we do when ... the most common living arrangement nowadays is a household of unmarried people with no children? These numbers are terrifying. But like all massive social change, what's happening is affecting us in ways that we have yet to understand" (The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, 2000, pp. 295-296).
Widespread practiceLiving together while unmarried is trendy in other Western nations too. "In Sweden ... nearly all couples cohabit before marrying ... and about half of all births occur to cohabiting, unmarried women" (Andrew Cherlin, Public And Private Families: An Introduction, 1996, p. 245)."... Unmarried couples ... make up about 30 percent of couples sharing households" in Sweden (U.S. News & World Report). "France is somewhere between the extremes of the United States and Sweden" (Cherlin, p. 245). And "in Britain ... three-quarters of all couples now live together before they marry" (The Economist, Feb. 14, 1998).The reason given by many couples who cohabit is that they believe they will increase the chances of success when they eventually marry. However, research has shown that this idea is a fallacy. "Although most theories of marital choice predict that cohabitation would increase the stability of later marriages for those couples who marry, evidence to date suggests the opposite; couples who cohabit before marriage seem to end their marriages at significantly higher rates than couples who never lived together before the wedding" (Demography, August 1995, p. 438, emphasis added).Some studies put the divorce rate at 50 percent higher for couples who cohabit; others put it as high as 80 percent.One factor that seems to be different among American cohabitants and Europeans is that a larger proportion of the latter eventually marry. In America roughly 40 percent of cohabiting couples break up before marriage. Many couples apparently move in together intending to marry later. "One study revealed that 70 percent of women moved in with a man with marriage on their minds" (Ben Young and Dr. Samuel Adams, The 10 Commandments of Dating, 1999, p. 110).
Taking the romance out of itWe shouldn't be surprised, however, that American men are less likely to have marriage on their minds when they set up housekeeping than do women. Many men simply choose this option for the availability of easy sex. In a national sex survey of married couples and unmarrieds living together, "men who were cohabiting scored lower on commitment than anyone else in the survey" (Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage, 2000, p. 85).Many of those who choose to live together before marriage show they are reluctant to commit to a relationship and want to keep their options open. Apparently they value their autonomy and individuality. However, these temporary living arrangements subject any children involved to an unstable home life. "Over a quarter of unmarried mothers are cohabiting at the time of their children's birth, and many other cohabiting families have children from other unions" (Waite and Gallagher, p. 38).Some believe—erroneously—that children do well as long as they live in a home in which there is a male and female, whether married or not. But the evidence doesn't support this. "Children living with cohabiting partners and in stepfamilies generally do less well than those living with both married biological parents" (The American Prospect, April 8, 2002).Some people are serial cohabitants, living with several partners in succession. Their living patterns magnify the risk inherent with the cohabitation lifestyle. The children involved must adjust to a progression of adult partners whom their parents select. The risk of spreading deadly sexually transmitted diseases is also higher among this group.In spite of these troubling facts and figures, many American singles still seem to believe that a marital test drive is the preferred choice before committing to marriage. An NBC poll found that "66 percent of young people ages 18 to 32 believe that you should first live together before you get married" (Young and Adams, pp. 104-105).Young people who entertain romantic notions about cohabiting should think twice. Compared to married couples, there is "more cheating by both partners [as well as] more domestic violence and a higher incidence of depression" among those who simply live together (U.S. News & World Report).How bad is the sexual unfaithfulness among those in cohabiting relationships? "The National Sex Survey found that cohabiting men were about four times as likely as husbands to report infidelity in the past year. Women were more faithful in general, but still cohabiting women were eight times more likely than wives to cheat on their partners" (Waite and Gallagher, pp. 92-93, emphasis added).A distinct advantage to marriage over cohabitation is the higher degree of emotional commitment in marriage. Popular media often present the view that sex outside of marriage is much more exciting and thrilling than married sex. But the opposite is true. Research shows that, because married couples are generally more committed to each, they enjoy a higher level of sexual satisfaction."Emotional commitment improves one's sex life ... For example, sex with someone you love literally doubles your sexual pleasure: You get satisfaction not only from your own sexual response but from your partner's as well. Emotional commitment to a partner makes satisfying him or her important in and of itself. "Demanding a loving relationship before having sex, using sex to express love, and striving to meet the sexual needs of one's partner all increase satisfaction with sex. Love and a concern for one's partner shifts the focus away from the self in a sexual relationship and toward the other person. This self-less approach to sex, paradoxically, is far more likely to bring sexual satisfaction to both men and women" (Waite and Gallagher, p. 89).
Devaluing marriagePart of the boom in cohabitation rates is fueled by a growing bias against marriage. Various authorities speak of marriage as an institution that robs individuals of freedom, describing it as an oppressive state, especially to women. A college textbook even claimed that "marriage has an adverse effect on women's mental health" (Waite and Gallagher, p. 1).As a result, in some quarters simply using the word marriage is passé. "A strange embarrassment or reluctance to use the word marriage is visible all over the Western world. The Marriage Guidance Council of Australia recently changed its name to Relationships Australia; Britain's Marriage Guidance Council metamorphosed into Relate" (Waite and Gallagher, p. 8).That which is presented as a right—the freedom to have sex outside of marriage whenever we want, however we want, with whomever or whatever we want—is a perversion of our Creator's intention for humanity and a plunge into moral degradation. Regrettably, the concept of sex as something special to be saved for marriage has largely become outdated for many singles."Carelessly, thoughtlessly, casually, sex—in the short space of a single generation—went from being the culminating act of committed love to being a precondition, a tryout, for future emotional involvement" (Danielle Crittenden, What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us: Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman, 2000, p. 30).Sex outside of marriage is a sin against God. "... A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). God said a man should be joined to his wife, not simply another person or a live-in lover (Exodus 20:14). But human beings refuse to admit that the very Creator of male and female sexuality knows what's best for us. It is He who created the institution of marriage to develop a morally and socially sound relationship.Cohabitation represents a threat to societal stability. History demonstrates that marriage and family are the building blocks of strong societies. Those who ignore the lesson of history place their happiness—and their nation's future—in peril. GN