by
Debbie
Schlussel
Sorry that I’m so late in putting up this week’s
movie reviews, but there were six of them, none of them I
liked much, and I couldn’t get ‘em up in time before the Jewish Sabbath. In any
event, this has to be the crappiest weekend for movies in the crappiest summer
for movies that I can remember. So here they are:



* “
If I Stay“: More like, Stay Away! Yet another
cloying, manipulative, overwrought, melodrama-filled movie based on a Young
Adult novel. Long, boring, and
annoying. I couldn’t wait for this to end, and each time you
thought (and hoped like hell) it would, it trudged onward.
The story: a couple of pretentious hipsters in America’s Northwest (Seattle,
Portland, or some other such overgrown hipster colony–I forgot which
one and just don’t care) have a good
girl
daughter (Chloe Grace Moretz)
who likes to
play the cello and is
quite good at it. She has a chance to go to Juilliard. But she also has a
hipster-style boyfriend who is in a band, and he wants to stay in the Northwest.
By the way, her parents were in a rock band–well, her father was, and her mother
was a groupie. And they don’t seem to like that their
daughter is a good girl. They encourage her to stay
out all night with the boyfriend, when she comes home early, and other such
annoying absentee/immature/friend-as-parent,
hipsteresque behavior. GUH-REAAAT parenting.
One day, the whole family is on the road in the same car, when snow is
falling, and they get into a car accident. Everyone is rushed to the hospital.
The parents are dead, and the son and good girl
daughter are in a coma, struggling to survive. The
girl’s ghost is outside of her body, watching her grandparents, parents’
friends, and her own friends, all visiting her and urging her to wake up.
Stitched in are memories of her life with the parents and boyfriend.
Don’t waste your time on this dull, maudlin snoozer.
TWO-AND-A-HALF MARXES

Watch the trailer . . .
* “
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For“: I never saw the first
“Sin City” movie, so apparently you can see this without that
one and basically know everything that’s going on. The
problem is there is no point in seeing this horribly violent movie. Gratuitous
violence, torture, and blood dominate this movie, which is too bad, because it
is shot in a very cool, sharp, black and white, with strategic pops of bright
color (I saw it in 3D, but you’re fine without that).
The stories are tragic and bleak, and I’m not sure what the point is, other
than to get you to voluntarily transfer your money to Hollywood stars and
filmmakers who want to also rob you of your time in the process. The stories,
which intertwine are about various crooks and desperados: a stripper (Jessica
Alba) whose love was murdered and she wants revenge; a gambler (Joseph
Gordon-Levitt) who has a lot of luck and is the illegitimate son of an evil U.S.
Senator who is a thug and wants him dead; a woman (Eva Green) who wants her rich
husband murdered so she can collect the money, and so she sets up a lover (Josh
Brolin) to kill him; and then there is Mickey Rourke, who is from the dark,
welfare-ridden ghetto that is Sin City.
Cool cinematography of gratuitously violent, pointless garbage. Don’t waste
your time.
By the way, I don’t need to see this because, hey, I live in Detroit (or
close enough).
THREE MARXES

Watch the trailer . . .
* “
When the Game Stands Tall“: While this is generally
another predictable, cliche-filled high school football movie, it did have a
religious Christian element, which was positively portrayed, so that gains
points with me. I also liked a scene in which the high school football team goes
to the hospital to help amputee military veterans with their rehab.
Still, I wasn’t sure what the point of this movie was. The story–about a real
life coach at a Catholic high school in California–is filled with
inconsistencies and multiple directions. The coach’s wife and son are upset with
him because he spends all of his time on the football team and not family. And,
yet, his wife urges him to take a college coaching job–at Stanford, no
less–where he would have even less time for them. The coach has a
medical problem, like a heart attack
(though they never say what it is), as he is under pressure to continue his
team’s non-stop
winning streak.
But, then, at the end, his star player refuses to break the state’s
touchdown record and takes a knee
repeatedly to “honor the coach.” Ridiculous. Yup, the movie honors communism,
not individual recognition. Yuck.
And, mostly, I found this movie to be a bore. Among high school football
movies, this was not one of the best ones and it was somewhat disjointed.
Because of the favorable Christian stuff (rare for Hollywood), I am being very
generous when I give this . . .
ONE REAGAN
Watch the trailer . . .
* “
Code Black“: I’m not sure what the point of this
boring, repetitive documentary was, other than to tell me that I need
ObamaCare so that illegal aliens and
all real Americans can have crappy emergency room care like the people who go to
Los Angeles County Hospital and can wait up to 24 hours to be seen by a doctor.
Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Also, maybe the point was for me to hear a young Asian doctor swearing,
telling of his life of living Asian stereotypes, and talking about how he
“d*cked around” (yeah, just the guy I’d want treating me!). Or maybe the point
was for me to hear from a preppy-looking doc about how his illegal alien . . .
er, “undocumented immigrant,” friend didn’t have access to
medical care (when it appears the alien actually had
better
health care than the rest
of us).
This movie was only 1.5 hours but seemed like it went on forever. It wasn’t
well done or edited, and didn’t have a tight and interesting narrative (as is
the case with decent documentaries). I wouldn’t pay ten bucks to see this. In
fact, the only way I’d go see this–if I didn’t have to review it–was if you paid
me. And you’d have to pay me well to sit through this.
FOUR MARXES


Watch the trailer . . .
* “
Life After Beth“: This “comedy” isn’t funny, but it’s
supposed to be some kind of parody of zombie movies or something. The makers of
this should have left that to the professionals at “The Walking Dead.” This was
boring and pointless, and I felt like a time bandit just robbed me of almost two
hours of my life.
The story: A guy’s girlfriend comes back to life after she died of a snake
bite. But she soon
becomes a
zombie. And suddenly many others are coming back to life, but they are dangerous
and kill and eat people (the movie, thankfully, doesn’t really show much of
this), so people fight back, and then, suddenly, it’s all over. The end.
A total waste of time and money.
THREE MARXES

Watch the trailer . . .
* “
Are You Here“: Another absolutely awful, entirely
unfunny “comedy.” Matthew Weiner, the creator, writer, director, and producer of
“Mad Men” is trying to show those who ask that he’s
more than a one-trick pony, as he wrote and directed this
absolutely malodorous dung heap. The answer is a resounding “NO.” This was just
plain terrible.
Owen Wilson plays a sleazy, lascivious weatherman who is irresponsible, says
gross things on the air, and does a lot of drugs. His crazy friend, Zach
Galifianakis, plays the same role he plays in every movie, especially “The
Hangover” movies. The only difference is that he is an animal rights nut in this
movie. Galifianakis’ father dies and leaves everything to him. Wilson is trying
to get in on the money, too, as he’s also trying to get in bed with the father’s
young, hippie chick widow. Amish people are thrown into this horrible story, as
they, too, apparently must be abused by Matthew Weiner’s lack of talent
blatantly on display in this trash. I’m not sure why the Amish are in this, but
as with everything else in this movie, Weiner just threw stuff in, tossed it
around, and said, hey, it’s a movie–go see it!
Um, no it isn’t, and you shouldn’t. Another time and money bandit you should
avoid as if it were AIDS.
FOUR MARXES PLUS FOUR BIN LADENS






